Friendship Fears
What scares you the most about friendships?
We asked our Instagram followers this question in honour of ~spooky season, and they delivered with lots of honest, relatable answers! Friendships are a joyful and important part of life, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t come with hardships and difficulties – some of which can be downright frightening to think about. If you can relate to any of these fears, take comfort in knowing that you’re not alone. Having friendship fears is totally normal! The more you care about something or someone, the more there is to lose and the scarier it can be.
The good news is that you don’t have to be paralysed by these fears! We’re here to offer some advice to help you on your way to healthier, stronger and more authentic friendships. Read on for some common fears — and how to conquer them!
this article covers:
1) I’m afraid of unequal friendships
2) I’m afraid of conflict or friendship breakups
3) I’m afraid of losing friends as I grow older
4) I’m afraid of being vulnerable
5) I’m afraid of not having any friends
1) I’m afraid of unequal friendships
Probably the most common fear that was submitted! Unequal friendships can come in many forms — maybe you see someone as one of your besties, but they don’t seem to feel the same way. Maybe it feels like you’re the one in the friendship who puts in all the effort to reach out, and that if you didn’t, you’d never meet? It’s difficult and draining to feel like you’re bearing the brunt of the responsibility to keep a relationship going.
A perceived lack of equality in a friendship doesn’t feel good. It can make you second guess your perceptions of the friendship, start to over-analyse every IG story or interaction, be jealous of the other people in their life, and even cause you to question your own self-worth. Concerns like “Am I not a good enough friend to them?” and “Do they prefer their other friends over me?” are common when you feel this way! You may even be tempted to ‘test’ the friendship by not reaching out as much – but maybe the chance that the friendship will fizzle out scares you too?
Maybe it’s about expectations. It could be that what you expect from a friendship is different from your friend? How we go about friendships is not universal, and a mismatch in what we believe makes a good friendship dynamic can easily lead to misunderstandings. It could also be time! If you measure closeness in friendships according to how much time you spend with each other, you and your friend not hanging out together as much as you used to is tough to deal with? There might be lots of reasons for this — maybe your friend has interests and hobbies that are different from yours, or you live far away from each other and it’s not as convenient to meet up in person.
Whatever the reason is for you feeling like you’re in an unequal friendship, take time to examine the why behind your feelings. Talking through it with another close friend could help too! When you have more clarity about why you’re feeling this way, communicate this to your friend. You could find time to meet in person (letting them know that you’d like to speak about something important may help them prioritise this) or write them a message or letter. After you explain how you feel, give them time to process too! If you’re on the same page about wanting to make your friendship work, have an honest conversation about how you can practically work together to be on more equal ground.
Want more ideas about how to handle unequal friendships? Check out this blog post where we touched on the subject!
2) I’m afraid of conflict or friendship breakups
The longer a relationship goes on, the more likely it is for conflict to arise. No two humans are the same, and we’re bound to butt heads at some point! Conflict can be a real test for friendships. While it’s never fun to navigate, it’s often instrumental in strengthening friendships — or breaking them.
Accept that conflict is normal, and do your best to get all sides of the story. It’s sometimes hard to do this, especially when hurt feelings are involved. Take time apart if necessary and share your thoughts with a trusted neutral party. Getting an outside perspective can often be useful in conflict situations!
If you decide that the conflict can be navigated and overcome, approach your friend for a frank conversation, and be as honest as you can. At the same time, be sure to be open-minded as they share their side of the story! Everyone has a different perspective on life, and the more open we are about ours, the easier it is to extend grace to one another in our relationships.
Sometimes, though, conflicts arise for a reason and a friendship is no longer viable. Friendships ending is totally normal and often natural, but sometimes, it gets complicated. Many fizzle out on their own, but there may come a time where you have to initiate or go through an intentional friendship breakup.
These are never easy, and can hurt just as much as (or more than) a breakup in a romantic relationship. Unfortunately, scenarios can come about where this is the best course of action. Some instances where you might need to consider a friendship breakup are:
An unhealthy/toxic dynamic. This can include isolating you from other people, being intentionally harmful or disrespecting boundaries.
Being unremorseful about things they’ve done wrong, even after you’ve spoken about it
A friendship that’s run its course, meaning you may have grown apart or into different people
Fundamental disagreements on core values that cannot be compromised on
Remember that whatever the case, it’s important to feel safe around your friends. Don’t be afraid to make changes to your friendships if necessary!
Did you know that we’ve discussed conflict on our blog before? Check out ‘Navigating Friendship Drama’ for more ideas and perspectives on this tough topic. We’ve also touched on friendship breakups here!
3) I’m afraid of losing friends as I grow older
This one’s a big one, especially as we leave school and enter the working world! Life gets more demanding as we get older, and it’s inevitable that people grow apart sometimes. This doesn’t mean that it hurts any less, though :(
A big part of navigating young adulthood is accepting that not all of your friendships are going to last a lifetime. Some friendships are only there for a season, and that’s okay! This often happens naturally as you move to different places in life. It’s normal to drift apart, especially as you lose the safety net of seeing one another in school every day or travelling from halls to lectures together. Starting work also mean less time and energy to socialise, and it’s not realistic to expect yourself to keep up with every single friend.
Sometimes you may be able to keep friendships, but they look a little different as time goes on! That’s totally normal too. Embracing the changes you go through as you grow means that you naturally spend time with different people, doing different things. Milestones like dating, marriage and kids are bound to change friendship dynamics as well! But with a little communication and acceptance, it’s possible to keep in touch through the years.
What’s important is appreciating them for what they were and the value they brought to your life. Think about all the good that you gained from a friendship – the memories, experiences and life lessons – and bring them with you as you move forward. And hey, who’s to say that you can’t get in touch again a few years down the line?
Friendships changing as you grow older is not easy to face, so we’ve got some other posts to help you! Read 5 Ways Your Friendships Change as You Grow Older and Navigating Constant and Seasonal Friendships for more practical ideas, and remember not to let the fear of losing friends keep you from being open to new ones!
4) I’m afraid of being vulnerable
Vulnerability is scary, but it’s a huge part of building deep and authentic friendships. It’s not easy though, and may come more naturally to some people than others!
Being honest with your friends can often mean exposing parts of yourself that may not be perfect. This can feel counterintuitive, especially in a culture that only praises the shiny and the beautiful! Admitting that we are flawed and being seen for who we really can be a painful and deeply uncomfortable thing, but it’s foundational in every strong friendship.
If you find yourself resenting your friends because they can’t ‘read your mind’, this may be a sign that you’re not being fully open with them! Expecting others to know when you’re feeling down or in need of support when you don’t communicate it to them is unrealistic.
It’s not easy, but it’s possible. Think about which friend you feel the safest and most comfortable with. Spend time with them one-on-one and try sharing something that you’ve been keeping close to your chest! You might be surprised at how willing and eager your friends are to hold space and journey through the tough stuff with you. Even better — being vulnerable encourages others to open up and feel safer with you too, leading to beautiful friendships that can weather all kinds of storms together!
Unfortunately, though, it doesn’t always work out that way. You may open up to someone and hope for acceptance, only to be met with confusion and them distancing themselves from you. This sucks! But not everyone has the capacity or ability to deal with difficult things. Do not be discouraged. Take time to recover, try to extend some grace to your friend, and try again with someone else! If you happen to be facing something very difficult, it might sometimes be a better idea to seek professional help first. A counsellor or therapist could help you examine your struggles and give you practical handles that can make it easier to be vulnerable with your friends in the future!
Wanna try being a bit more vulnerable? We’ve got more ideas in this blog post!
5) I’m afraid of not having any friends
Friendship doesn’t always come easily! It can be hard to find people who truly understand, accept and vibe with you. It doesn’t help that social media is full of people posting about their seemingly rich social lives. When all you see is huge friend groups and people hanging out, it’s easy to compare yourself with others and feel like you’re lagging behind.
Having friends is important. We’re social creatures, and building a community around yourself is a necessary part of adulthood! They’re the ones who give you perspective, make memories with you and give you a safe space to be yourself. If you’re struggling to find your people, be encouraged — you are an interesting human who’s worthy of friendship! There are people out there who can appreciate you for who you are, quirks, flaws and all. You’ve got lots to give too, and you’ll undoubtedly enrich the lives of those around you!
If making friends is a genuine struggle for you, it’s worth taking a step back to figure out why that is. Do you have niche hobbies that nobody seems to share with you? Look up interest groups in your area or say hi to people at your favourite band’s next gig! We can guarantee that there are people out there who are into the same things as you are — you’ve just got to find them. Chances are that if you’ve got the same taste in games, music or activities, you’re likely to click on many other levels too!
If you struggle with social skills or interaction, be kind to yourself. It’s a muscle, and practice makes perfect! Start small, ask for feedback and be humble and open to change. Maybe you’ve got a way of communicating that comes across as a bit intimidating before someone gets to know you — you have to be open to learning and adjusting! Not all quirks are worth changing for the sake of friendship though. Get to know yourself and be confident and secure in which traits are a part of your identity, and which ones you can tweak if you need to.
Maybe you’re a natural introvert who struggles with social interaction? It’s easy enough to say, “Put yourself out there!”, but we know it’s not that simple! Head over to this post where we talk abut the role personality types might play in friendship for some tips. We’ve also written Overcoming Your Fears: Speaking to New People — a helpful guide to taking the first step!
Finally, you may come across instances of rejection on your journey to make new friends. This is never easy, but it’s often a part of the process! Check out How to Deal with Rejection for some pointers to help you on your way.
We received lots of other questions that we weren’t able to touch on here (part 2 in the future?), but you may be able to find some advice in our other articles! Here at Friendzone, we love thinking and talking about all things relationships, so keep your eyes peeled for more content as we grow along with you :)
If you’ve been inspired to put yourself out there and create some new friendships for yourself, why not attend a Friendzone event? We’re creating spaces all over Singapore for young adults to experience the power of community for themselves!
We hope you’ve found some courage to face your fears in this blog post! Friendships aren’t always easy, but they’re worth the effort — we promise❣️